Change

Change is a very powerful thing, it can be both comforting and at the same time very frighting.I have been through several changes since i last posted. Thanks to the loving grace of God I no longer suffer with panic attacks. I still have the same symptoms but for some reason they no longer cause me to succumb to fear. I am still trying to figure this out...was i supposed to learn something from these attacks? Did i learn something and just don't realize it? ( to be honest i don't think about it to often, I am just thankful that i don't suffer anymore) My outlook on life has changed, I just see things differently. This came about with the birth of my daughter. I have three other children, they are three of the greatest boys on the planet....but they are boys. something happened when God graced me with a daughter. I struggled for a long time with my behavior around people. All people men and women. I learned at a very young age that you need to be strong. ( not just mentally strong, but physically strong) I was always told i was never going to be "tough" enough, i was never going to be anything. at this same time my "dad" was very "tough" with my mother and me. I always took this as i had to be the same way. I am 230lbs, i can pretty much scare anybody i want to with just a "look" I never realized this, so i had to do much more than just look. As a child i would get in fights just to prove to myself that I was strong enough. At this time I weight in about 100 lbs if I was lucky, and i am picking fights with guys twice my size and not just beating them up, but humiliating them. All the while the cops were "talking" to me, I was just going the wrong way. But i never got in "trouble" at home. I was praised and my "dad" would brag about me to his friends. All of this, including the interactions between him and my mom, taught me that you need to be forceful to get your way. If someone (it didn't matter who) was not doing what you wanted to ...well then just flex a little muscle and you will get what you want. Well you can imagine how my relationships suffered. My poor wife and children...I still cry when i think about it. I have ran my household on fear. Do what Dad says or you are in trouble.. not just in trouble, but he will kick your ass. Its like my childhood was being replayed right before my eyes, just with different characters. This behavior has not gotten me what i wanted for my life. Just the opposite. I have an assault charge in Washington state, I have a house of fearful people. The most difficult part in this story is that out of everything that happened, everything that I caused, I could have changed so long ago. I am the one that is at fault, I am the one that made the choices, i am the one.. I am the one..But the good part is coming...God made a choice also, God saw all my pain, all my guilt, all my shame, and he made a choice...he gave me a brand new baby GIRL. My entire world CHANGED. I see how my behavior effects everybody.. it is not just my pain, my guilt, my shame. I had succeeded in making my entire family feel the same way i felt every time i had to interact with my dad. It took looking into the eyes of my baby girl and seeing that God gave her to me to protect her from people like me, to teach her what i didn't even know myself. That I am good enough, I am strong enough, That i am worth it. I am worth enough in Gods eyes that he has blessed me with three boys, with a little girl, and a wife who has stuck with me through HELL. This is what he did for me...for a no good violent punk. He has given me the world, even though for the first 1/3 of my life i tried really hard to destroy it. That is the true love of a Father and a Dad. That is what he wants me to do, he wants me to show the world that no matter what you "feel" no matter what you "think" no matter what you have done, there is love in him, there is peace, there is forgiveness. This has truly changed me. I do not see the world the same way, I chose to see the world the way it should be seen....through HIS eyes. I hope that where ever you are when you read this, you will close your eyes, you will bow your head, and you will thank God. Even if you think you have nothing to be thankful about. Just thank Him. Just like he did with me....He is waiting until you are ready to hear what he has to say. He has been speaking to me for 34 years, I just had to take the earplugs out and listen.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, time is a very precious thing, I am honored that you have given me of your time to read this. I welcome your comments, your prayers, and your story's. If you feel lost and just need prayer, or another voice to talk with, leave your info and I will make myself available to you. God Bless you!

This is my story....whats yours?