(Reality)

I try to be strong.....for myself, my family, my friends, and anybody else who needs it. For most of the time it works....for  them... I can go for extreme amounts of time not letting the little things get me down. These are great times, very little (if anything) bothers me. The sun shines a little brighter, the birds sing a nicer song, and i tend to notice everything that is right with "my" world. Today however seems to be one of those days that i tend to see the darker side of life. I pray, and expect God to be there, to hear my prayers and at the very least make me feel better....at ease.....but I got nothing. I know he is faithful, I know he is there. But....and that is where i am tonight....BUT.... I know these things...but...I don't feel them. I know he wants me to live life, and live it more abundantly...but I don't believe it. If he did I wouldn't feel this way. I do KNOW that no matter how hard I try, I will never understand his reasons... I wish somehow I could. I wish I could see the long term. I wish i could see the top of the hill I am up against. The feeling that best sums up today would be.....failure.... no explanation, no reason, no profound ramblings on how everything will be ok.....just failure. I will however not give up hope. Hope that tomorow I will feel better. That tomorow God will reveal something to me that changes everything. Hope that everything will be OK.

I pray that if you feel this way, talk to someone....anyone...even the mirror...because no one should feel this way alone....

This is my story...whats yours?

Honesty

Let me start this off with a question... how honest are you? Lets say someone were to ask your family, your wife, your kids. What would they say? What if someone were to ask your friends, co-workers. What would they say? Now lets say that same someone were to ask God...what would he say? When I look at these questions I am forced to see a major hurdle I need to get over. I am a liar...I will lie about small stuff, I will lie about big stuff. I will just lie.. Why? what has is gotten me? has it made me successful? has it helped my health? has it made my relationships stronger? The only answer I can come up with is NO! so why do I do it? One reason that has been on my mind lately is I am ashamed. I have so many skeletons in my closet that I have been trying so hard to lock away that when someone asks "hey, is that a skeleton?" I will say, no...its a water buffalo.... how ridiculous is that...like the people around me are going to run in fear if I leave the door open. Most people are so shocked at the face of honesty it makes them aspire to be the same way. We all have skeletons. The problem comes when we cant admit we do. Our relationships would be so much stronger, our world we be such a better place if everyone were honest. we would realize that there are more people like ourselves. We are a world of messed up people all pretending we are great, that we have it all together. Well it all starts with us. With Men. We are the leaders, like it or not, we are the ones who can start the change. Look at our children. They look up to us. Little boys want to grow up to be just like daddy, little girls want to marry a man just like daddy. How can we instill a lasting change if our own children cant trust us to be honest. If we are not the role models.....who is? That is a very scary question. The tough part of honesty is showing that yes, we make mistakes, we are vulnerable to outside influences, we make bad choices...If we are not completely honest we miss the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, our vulnerabilities. Now sometimes we are unable to openly discuss some of our issues with our children, or families. That is were friends come into play. Let me take this to another level. lets say you have died, and you are watching your funeral from Heaven. Just look at all the flowers, all the pictures of you. Now look at all the people there. How many of them do you really know? how many of them really know you. Look, here comes your casket...there are six people carrying your body to your grave. Now comes the eulogy...what will they say? will it be the normal...he was a nice man...he was a good father....he ate eggs and bacon for breakfast...OR, will it truly be a celebration of your life, a re-telling of your hopes and dreams played out again in front of your friends and family, where there is laughter and admiration, where people spend most of the time reminiscing on how you really touched there lives, on how you inspired someone to do something great, or how you changed someones life because they could so closely relate to you. How many people would have something to say? Would the six people that carried what remains of your time on this planet know enough about you to each speak? Or when the pastor asks if anyone would like to say a few words is there a silence that makes everyone uncomfortable. Jesus walked this earth for decades before he was known. However in a few short years of his ministry he changed the world. He did this by being open, and being willing to allow anyone into his world, by not judging, by sharing his hopes, his dreams, his wishes, his thoughts. He did it by being what everybody wanted...someone who will accept you for whatever you are, for whatever you believe, whatever your thoughts... A TRUE FRIEND. How many opportunity's have you missed because you felt ashamed to tell somebody something. What connections have you missed by not speaking up in a group. I would encourage all of us to become like Jesus...Honest, Open, and willing to do nothing but love. We all suffer in one for or another. Why do it alone? I believe it is time for a healing.Not just for ourselves, but for everyone we know, and everyone they know, and for everyone they know.  Be the change you want to see in the world. Be someone, someone would like to be. Become a role model. Become someone more like Jesus! our world needs it! Honesty is a very powerful tool. Honesty with ourselves, with others, and with God...IT CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS!! I would encourage you to share a struggle you have been facing with someone. It is going to take trust and courage. Just know, God is always with you! He will not leave you. Take that leap of faith...when you do, you will realize you can fly!!!

I thank you for giving me some of your time to read this. I pray it reaches the people that need it. I know it helps me to write this stuff down. If you need prayer, or just someone to listen, I would be honored to give you of my time. Leave me a message and a way to contact you, or if you need you can e-mail me at scottyzclem@gmail.com. Thank you and God bless

This is my story...whats yours?

Change

Change is a very powerful thing, it can be both comforting and at the same time very frighting.I have been through several changes since i last posted. Thanks to the loving grace of God I no longer suffer with panic attacks. I still have the same symptoms but for some reason they no longer cause me to succumb to fear. I am still trying to figure this out...was i supposed to learn something from these attacks? Did i learn something and just don't realize it? ( to be honest i don't think about it to often, I am just thankful that i don't suffer anymore) My outlook on life has changed, I just see things differently. This came about with the birth of my daughter. I have three other children, they are three of the greatest boys on the planet....but they are boys. something happened when God graced me with a daughter. I struggled for a long time with my behavior around people. All people men and women. I learned at a very young age that you need to be strong. ( not just mentally strong, but physically strong) I was always told i was never going to be "tough" enough, i was never going to be anything. at this same time my "dad" was very "tough" with my mother and me. I always took this as i had to be the same way. I am 230lbs, i can pretty much scare anybody i want to with just a "look" I never realized this, so i had to do much more than just look. As a child i would get in fights just to prove to myself that I was strong enough. At this time I weight in about 100 lbs if I was lucky, and i am picking fights with guys twice my size and not just beating them up, but humiliating them. All the while the cops were "talking" to me, I was just going the wrong way. But i never got in "trouble" at home. I was praised and my "dad" would brag about me to his friends. All of this, including the interactions between him and my mom, taught me that you need to be forceful to get your way. If someone (it didn't matter who) was not doing what you wanted to ...well then just flex a little muscle and you will get what you want. Well you can imagine how my relationships suffered. My poor wife and children...I still cry when i think about it. I have ran my household on fear. Do what Dad says or you are in trouble.. not just in trouble, but he will kick your ass. Its like my childhood was being replayed right before my eyes, just with different characters. This behavior has not gotten me what i wanted for my life. Just the opposite. I have an assault charge in Washington state, I have a house of fearful people. The most difficult part in this story is that out of everything that happened, everything that I caused, I could have changed so long ago. I am the one that is at fault, I am the one that made the choices, i am the one.. I am the one..But the good part is coming...God made a choice also, God saw all my pain, all my guilt, all my shame, and he made a choice...he gave me a brand new baby GIRL. My entire world CHANGED. I see how my behavior effects everybody.. it is not just my pain, my guilt, my shame. I had succeeded in making my entire family feel the same way i felt every time i had to interact with my dad. It took looking into the eyes of my baby girl and seeing that God gave her to me to protect her from people like me, to teach her what i didn't even know myself. That I am good enough, I am strong enough, That i am worth it. I am worth enough in Gods eyes that he has blessed me with three boys, with a little girl, and a wife who has stuck with me through HELL. This is what he did for me...for a no good violent punk. He has given me the world, even though for the first 1/3 of my life i tried really hard to destroy it. That is the true love of a Father and a Dad. That is what he wants me to do, he wants me to show the world that no matter what you "feel" no matter what you "think" no matter what you have done, there is love in him, there is peace, there is forgiveness. This has truly changed me. I do not see the world the same way, I chose to see the world the way it should be seen....through HIS eyes. I hope that where ever you are when you read this, you will close your eyes, you will bow your head, and you will thank God. Even if you think you have nothing to be thankful about. Just thank Him. Just like he did with me....He is waiting until you are ready to hear what he has to say. He has been speaking to me for 34 years, I just had to take the earplugs out and listen.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, time is a very precious thing, I am honored that you have given me of your time to read this. I welcome your comments, your prayers, and your story's. If you feel lost and just need prayer, or another voice to talk with, leave your info and I will make myself available to you. God Bless you!

This is my story....whats yours?