I have made it.

Well, after a 2 day train trip across the country, and what seems like a lifetime away from my family, I made it to Wisconsin. I have been here for 6 days, and I am missing my wife and kids like never before. I have been mostly busy  driving around with my Mother in law looking for work, and trips to the library to use the wifi, (because why would she have it.... she is 63 and Grandpa is 94..) to look for work online. I have seen the house we are buying, and it is pretty incredible. It was built in the early 1920's for a doctor and his family. Lots of built ins, and dark hard wood everywhere. And the town we are in (Manitowoc) is a really neat place. It is just hard to be here without my wife and kids. They are my life. It is sad really how much I miss them. Like to the point of tears. I think the worst part is the thoughts....the stupid adolecent thoughts of "does she really love me enough not to break my trust" or "what is she doing when she is not on the phone with me" I dont know why these thoughts are there, or why after 19 years of marrage the are there. I know I am doing this for the greater good. Getting things in place over here, so we can all come back to a house, and a job for me. It is still hard. My baby girl is 4, and I have never gone a single day without seeing her. Same with my 6 year old son. I think I am focusing on the wrong things. I should be focusing on the things in my life I want to change before everyone gets here. I should be taking the time to read, and learn the things I want to. To really work on my character flaws that they dont like. To be a better husband, father, and person...well, for now this is it. I am going to go do something. I am not sure what....but I hope its not just sit and wait until I video chat with the family. I hope it involves bettering my self. I need to prepare for my interview on Monday. I am going to research the company, and bring some questions into the interview. until next time.....

WHAT TO DO NOW?!?!

So today I was supposed to do an enrollment at a restaurant with around 9 employees....myself and my district manager were under the impression when we left the last meeting that the manager was going to have all of the employees there for me to talk to and write today...when we got there there was no one there....I spoke to 3 employees today...one of the employees didn't even have a SSN......Needless to say I was disappointed....this was the day I was going to make enough money to pay my rent this month, and get caught up on the past 2 months....today was the day I was going to make some money in this job....This was the one that was going to make my wife comfortable in the fact that there was money to be made in this job.....so what happened?? why was this one so messed up?? what am I supposed to learn from this.My wife just came out and we had a conversation about where we are supposed to be, about what are we supposed to do.....we were talking and she mentioned we need to pray....so we prayed.....now we just feel better....we know that God will not let us down....he is our destination....and to get there he has given us a road map....now we need to just look for the signs, the direction....we need to find peace so we can hear his directions....I believe I am were I am supposed to be....I just need to work at this job. I need to put God in first place, and not making money....I know that If I put God first, the money will come...I think I put to much into the money today....I didn't pray, or even think about Jesus....Just money....Lord, I put you first in my life, I will live my life day to day to please and glorify you. I know if I do this....you will provide...thank you!

right now........

Right now I feel like I am in a hole....I don't really have anything to write about....well, I'm sure I do...I just don't want to. I just feel like whats the point.....My mother in law is here....and so is all of her emotional baggage....the manipulation, the guilt....I have never met a parent who is jealous of their children....I just for the life of me cant wrap my brain around it....Things at work are actually going OK.. I am still not putting in enough effort....I could and should be doing more....I need to market more....try all avenues of marketing....I am however going to be writing more business very soon....hopefully the first of many tattoo shops on Sunday....and I have a restaurant I am writing on Thursday....I still have the most wonderful wife in the world...It pains me to see the change in her while her mom is here.....I don't even know if talking with her will do any good.....I am just thankful for the Lord, and how he has and will continue to work in my wife's life.....She is amazing.. I am done for tonight...I am going to take an anxiety pill, and try and figure out my schedule for the next week.. I need to stay in front of people that I can help....and also need to make some money....I need to find a mentor....someone that can act as kind of a guide....a guide that has been through what I am going through...someone that can keep reminding me that it all does get better....I am going to pray right now.....Thank you Jesus....I prayed, and not more than 2 seconds later my Uncle called....He has been in sales his whole career and an incredibly successful career....I got 10 min. of incredible advice, and at the end he told me he loved me.....I don't think I have ever heard him say that....So Lord Thank you !! and please bless Jim....Thank you for the perfect timing...I love you Lord!!

showbiz tomorrow

So today was one of the days the my depression hit me upside the head....I didn't do a dang thing...I didn't pray, I didn't respond to the Lord....and i felt it. I need to stay connected to my business....I mean it is my own business..I own my own business...I need to remember that...I need to remember that no one is going to just give me money. I need to go out and network, I need to be in front of the people that I can help, that need the services I offer. I am going to the Salem area chamber of commerce show called showbiz tomorrow.. I am really stoked because my wife is also investing some of her precious time into my agency with me. She is going to the show to be at my side. I know I need to just keep praying...I know I need to put God first and seek his glory first and everything will fall into place. I want to run my agency in his image...fair and honest, with my clients best interest in mind. I am still struggling with getting out there and meeting face to face...cold calling sucks!!!! I am exhausted...not only from the depression but from the pills....there is allot I need to do, and I just need to do it...Please pray for me...On to bed and another day....

another day

Well I finished another day.....not as productive as I should be...I am still having trouble just walking into businesses...I still don't understand it. I mean Aflac has these scripts...they tell you what to say, they even go as far as to give you responses to overcome objections....I am really comfortable reciting them in my home to my family, even in a classroom with other agents and a state trainer...but I just can seem to do them in the real world...I followed up on some leads today, and I am hoping to get more tomorrow...I am fighting off the feeling of failure...I have a family that depends on me to make sales, to be out "pounding the  pavement"..why is it so hard.....I know that this job will work, I know that I am supposed to be here...I mean it feels right...even on top of the fear, the failure, the scepticism, the nasty feeling of self doubt, and all the other things that are going on in my mind.....it just feels right. My home life has been incredible...I truly have the most wonderful wife in the world...she is the reason I am still in it, and that I have not given up to find something "safe" they say that fortune rewards the bold, well my wife makes me bold. She has been so supportive, so loving, so.....well tender...growing up as a kid I was never allowed to fail, never allowed to be anything but perfect...if I failed or was imperfect I would get my ass kicked.....that is how alot of my marriage has been....I felt I could never fail or I would get my ass kicked....or be punished....my wife has made a huge change....she has made it OK to fail, its OK to suffer the day to day of the sales world...with out her, I don't think I would have made it this far.. with how she is now....I will be in this business for a while....and I will succeed...I have been made to feel safe.....I don't think I have ever felt safe....safe to start sharing my fears, my truths, my struggles....to become a husband that God has intended me to be all along...I truly believe that God brought Jackie into my life so many years ago for a purpose...and we are going through all of this for a purpose...that purpose is coming to life....its not to be rich, its not how many people we can impress...it is to teach us love...in every form....in every meaning of the word....I love my wife...I love that I cant wait to see her..I love that she makes me want to be a better person...I love how she has adapted herself to help me grow, to help me love, to help me just be me......It makes me want to love her harder, to do everything I can to believe...she is my inspiration, my heaven on earth....all it takes is just a look from her and after all these years, my heart beats faster...my knees get week, and I realize I am alive...And I am In LOVE...so will this career work? will I be successful? will I be able to support my wife so she can stay home with the babies? will I overcome my fear and be able to talk to anybody again? will I be the best aflac agent in Oregon? the answer to that question is the same answer I got from Jackie the day I asked her to marry me in the parking lot of a convenience store in my white Toyota truck.......YES. With my wife by my side I will be successful!!

Self Doubt

I have been compelled to start writing again....I have started a new career (again) and I am terrified....I am now an independent insurance agent representing Aflac...This is my own business. All aspects of this are mine except the products and literature. I have studied and taken my life and health license test for the state of Oregon. I passed on February 21 2011....I didn't receive my license to start writing insurance until March 17th 2011, and I didnt receive my writing number for Aflac for a few weeks after that.....so before I could even start writing business..(which is how I MAKE money) I was already around $2000.00 into this business....This is frighting!! I am trying to provide for my family and pay the bills on a pure commission job....in this economy.....and I have had to put alot of money into it before I could even start to do it....Then came the actual part of doing the job...I am a welder, a mechanic, a roughneck.....I have allways been easy to get along with, I tend to make people feel at ease...now I am required to go into business, ask for the owner, and give a presentation trying to get them to let me talk to their employees....once I accomplish this, I have to counsel the employees about the benefits I am selling. this is terrifying....I can pretty much talk to anybody..or so I thought...once you put a motive behind it it is horrific...I cant tell you how many times I would drive around a business making excuses as to why I shouldnt go in....about how I know they are not interested....WHY?? why cant I just go in and talk....I am the type of person that would not be ok selling someone something I knew was junk....I know the benefits of aflac. I have needed and used them myself. I represent aflac because it is a great company...it is actually beneficial insurance to have for the common person. It truly does help in times of need....I have my own personal issues that i am dealing with....not to mention all the fear of rejection, or embarassment.... or all the other excuses i can think of as to not talk to people...The problem is...when the fear takes over, and I dont talk to people...I dont make any money...how do you transform yourself into another person? how do you go from a roughneck, to a suit wearing business person without losing who you are? how do you overcome the fear of just going in and talking? these are the issues I will be talking about.....all about my transformation....not just with work, but in life...this is the starting point....I am 2 months behind in rent...and no money to pay this month....I am finally communicating and living with my wife as a team...my children are starting to actually behave, and act like human beings....And the biggest thing is God loves me....I think.......I still have my doubts, but they are waning.... I look forward to keeping this record of my highs and lows... my failures and successes.....like for example, I made all my phone calls today....when your in my spot...that is a huge victory.... The most important thing.I need to overcome......self doubt!!!

God bless.

(Reality)

I try to be strong.....for myself, my family, my friends, and anybody else who needs it. For most of the time it works....for  them... I can go for extreme amounts of time not letting the little things get me down. These are great times, very little (if anything) bothers me. The sun shines a little brighter, the birds sing a nicer song, and i tend to notice everything that is right with "my" world. Today however seems to be one of those days that i tend to see the darker side of life. I pray, and expect God to be there, to hear my prayers and at the very least make me feel better....at ease.....but I got nothing. I know he is faithful, I know he is there. But....and that is where i am tonight....BUT.... I know these things...but...I don't feel them. I know he wants me to live life, and live it more abundantly...but I don't believe it. If he did I wouldn't feel this way. I do KNOW that no matter how hard I try, I will never understand his reasons... I wish somehow I could. I wish I could see the long term. I wish i could see the top of the hill I am up against. The feeling that best sums up today would be.....failure.... no explanation, no reason, no profound ramblings on how everything will be ok.....just failure. I will however not give up hope. Hope that tomorow I will feel better. That tomorow God will reveal something to me that changes everything. Hope that everything will be OK.

I pray that if you feel this way, talk to someone....anyone...even the mirror...because no one should feel this way alone....

This is my story...whats yours?